Shackles: What Manic Depression is for me...

This morning on my way to work… the song “Shackles” by Mary Mary came on iPod. I am usually a zombie as I drive into work on most Monday mornings anyway so I just let my iPod shuffle. But as it hit a particular part in the song… I started to cry… because… I realized then… this is what I was going through. I was shackled by life and depression and I just needed help freeing myself…

“Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gon lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore”

It was then that this post came to me. And I realized that when I was unemployed the only thing that kept me going was this blog… so although I will not be as active in the coming days, I will continue to post. I would love to do some Diva Spotlights on others so that you my readers/followers can be represented. Because wouldn’t you like to see someone other than myself here all the dang on time? I know I would!!!

So I realized that from the lack of respect from those on the hater train that maybe many people didn’t know what manic depression is and how it affects people. I mean it is not the same for everyone but I recognize what it is in me. Now 90% of the time I am medicated and am in a phase I like to call the High. My Highs get me through the day, I’m hyper, and I’m bubbly and just generally a blast to be around. I like to make jokes and act goofy and just be ridiculous. When I am in a high, I work very well and don’t take myself so seriously. I like myself when I am in a high.

When I am in a Low… it is usually because of my own doing. It is due to the fact that I have not taken my medication as prescribed and or I have let life’s ups and downs get to me. But if I have not taken my meds for more than 3 days and stress in my life hits harder than normal then we get what I call “EXTREME Low”. I only get those once a year or less. The last time I had a low this bad it was around last October/November. I scared the crap out of my husband. I wouldn’t get out of bed for days, slept all the time, and stopped showering and taking care of myself. Hubby dragged me into the doctor’s office to find a solution. Come to find out, stress at work, not being medicated, and drinking alcohol all had a large part to do with it.

So what is currently affecting me:

1. I have a high stress job because we build towers for Wifi networks and cellular companies. I am a Project Manager. It is a high stress job and I love it… but I have allowed my forgetfulness and my job to let me forget to stay on my medication.
2. I had been unmediated for over a week. When I try to play catch-up, it takes a while for the medication to get regulated in my system.
3. My finances are not 100% in order. As I play catch-up to pay all my bills that were not getting paid while I was unemployed, it is stressful to have to speak with these companies and iron out payment plans.
4. I’m being stalked. Not the “ooh you’re pretty on your blog” kind of stalker. But the “I am breaking into your house because I know you are home alone” kind of stalker. The kind of stalker that I see lurking and looking into my windows and he waits until he sees my husband’s truck is not out front to get crazier then ever. The last time he decided to “drop-by”, I was home alone with my kids. This man terrifies me. It sucks because he was a friend of the family… and my younger kids have no idea this man is dangerous. My 14 year old knows and is super protective, but my girls remember this guy as an uncle and it just sucks. (Oh and the police sucks because we had a restraining order and instead of arresting him… they keep talking to him and telling him to stay away… yeah… that’s working out really well)
5. My marriage is turbulent some days because my husband doesn’t understand this stalker nonsense. What he fails to realize is… neither do I…
6. I suffer from insomnia. It appears to be getting worse and I think that lack of sleep along with other hormonal changes I was experiencing on Thursday made this whole thing come to a head.
7. I want to be everything to everyone. I hate to see others hurting and I try to do my best to help others feel better. I think with so many friends going through really bad times right now, I took on some of their stress and I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it all at this time.

I know I will probably get hate mail for this, but I am not a 1 dimensional mannequin here to hang clothing on. I am a person, with feelings, a heart and a soul. And there are times when I am not at my best. If I were always fabulous, I would be hated on for thinking I’m all that. I don’t. I am a realist. I know there are days when I get it all right… and then there are days where I get it all wrong.  But what folks need to remember is that just like there are those days you don’t want to be bothered or you are just in a bad mood… others have those same feelings. You just have to be careful how you treat people because you don’t know how they will take what you throw at them.

Now to clarify, was I going to end my blog because of one little hateful comment?   NO!!! It was a hateful comment after an onslaught of bad things happening. If you are carrying bricks on your shoulder, and you tell someone you’ve had enough, but they keep putting bricks on your shoulder… at some point… you will just crumble from the weight of it all.

I found this website that describes my condition best:

Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder

                This illness is challenging to treat. Patients and their friends and family must be aware of the risks of neglecting to treat bipolar disorder.

Celebrities who suffer from Manic Depression:

Christina Ricci

Mel Gibson (I think he is the worst case scenario… lol)

Pete Wentz – Fall Out Boy

Anne Heche

Carrie Fisher (from Star Wars)

Axl Rose

Its real and I hope that me putting it out there… will help someone who would normally not get help or someone who is on the verge of ending it all.

~besitos~

Deep Thought #4: I make men HIGH!!!

Just when I didn't need another reason to love my body, I find out today that a research study was done and that it determined that looking at a curvaceous woman can make a man feel as though he has been drinking or taking drugs. I mean… I know that he is smiling when he sees my shapely hips and my ample bosom… but now I know it is because his brain is sizzling in his skull. Click Here to read the article

Then I was reading a blog from my friend Mezzo Fashionisto where she discusses femininity and sexualization. I think somehow in my brain these two subjects are linked. She is discussing why plus size is more acceptable in an hourglass frame and why the pear, apple, or banana shape isn’t admired more. Also its mentioned in a coment (i think) in most cases that plus size models are showing skin and posed provocatively, more so than their skinny counterparts. I realized after reading her blog that I don’t have an answer to her post. I mean, I am hourglass. I dress to accentuate my curves because I am in a place in my life where I love EVERY SINGLE CURVE I HAVE. I do flaunt the cleavage a bit much, but that is cause I love “the twins” and feel they deserve some admiration. Do I do it to stimulate the male brain as indicated above? Not particularly… I dress the way I dress because I like how it makes ME feel. I think if I were shaped differently I would probably dress a way that best emphasized that shape. I can't answer her question because I am that shape and dress that way. So to speak from the other side of a wall I've never crossed, is well... difficult. Now I am a firm believer that YOU alone can make people feel what you want them to feel about you. I believe that if you walk around feeling you are ugly and fat (not in the Fabulous And Thick way) then you will get that kind of negative attention. I was as large as a size 24 and still, I had no problem meeting men who found me attractive or would strike up conversation. I also never had any problems with looking in the mirror and saying… WOW!! You’re sexy today. I think the portrayal of voluptuous woman in the media is not because we are being picked on as a class of women, but because whether men or women will admit it or not… we are the more attractive body shape. Not just hourglass, but curvy woman all together. Men like large bottoms, breasts, and hips. If you have small breasts and large hips and bootie, there is going to be someone in your corner rooting for you. The men I find few and far between are the men who are out there looking for BONES. Women are meant to be soft and cuddling and nurturing. There is nothing softy and nurturing about your hip bone poking me in my side. I also believe ripple abs are only fit on a man… but I digress.

The point I am having a hard time pinning down is this… you make your style. Not the man you’re with, not the media, and certainly not other females. YOU!!! Thanks to Lucky Magazine’s Book: The Lucky Guide to Mastering Any Style: How to Wear Iconic Looks and Make Them Your Own, I have decided my look is purely American Classic Flirty Bombshell Glam. My style is really whatever I want it to be. As long as it looks good on me, to me, I will wear it. I believe the reason that the hourglass is most popular in the media is because it has everything (hips, bootie, thighs, boobs, and legs).
I think that what women need to spend more time on is how they feel about themselves. Because I for one love who I am… most days… and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it. Because I am my biggest fan and my hardest critic… so the rest is just filter noise.

I hope this makes sense… trying to take all the gobblygook in my brain and turn it into content… well… it’s difficult (especially after a long 12 hour day at work). Check out both links above… feel free to comment there… but also comment here. I want to know what you think… whether you are plus sized or not.

~besitos~

Deep Thought #2: Am I a HELP to others?

So today while interviewing someone for a future post. She stated that my positive attitude about loving the size you’re in is probably helping others. You know, until that moment it had never occurred to me. Another friend had mentioned my blog was interesting “for those who need it”. At the time I was thinking… need what?

This blog is really a way for me to talk about the shallow things that I thought no one really gave two thoughts about. I love flesh. I am of the firm belief that all women should be soft. I don’t understand how a man can be with a woman who is all right angles and bone. I have never understood people who feel the need to get so thin they have a six pack. That is sexy on men… not so sexy on women.

So now as I sit here in reflection thinking about the reactions I’m getting I think maybe my blog is bigger than I thought. Maybe with the writing of a few words I can help someone. If it be helping them find that affordable mascara or finding plus size clothing online (and offline) retailers. Or to help you build up the confidence to rock that crazy color of eyeshadow (cause if I can do it… so can you). I think that I will be a little more realistic that even though the initial intention was not to help, that may be the way it is playing out. I mean… in my 20s I spent a ridiculous amount of time wanting everyone to “be like me”. I mean, I would walk around the mall and pick some unfortunate soul to make fun of… Now in my 30s my motto is love who you are, in the skin you're in. The end. If you are happiest and most comfortable in your sweats and a t-shirt... DO YOU!!! I have found... that putting someone else’s fashion choice down doesn't make YOU look better. And you aren't beautifying the world. What you have done is succeeded in hurting someone's feelings, and possibly ruining an otherwise good day for someone. So I stopped saying... they look a hot mess (mainly because when someone did it to me on a day when I felt particularly cute... it hurt), I now say... if "I" was to wear that "insert item here"... I would wear it with...

Its about choice but at the same time... being sensitive to our differences. I hope that alone helps someone...

Here is what my BFF, Diva Dawn said about my blog:

Q: Would you say my blog is helping people?

A: I would say yes. So many times there are so many negative images and vibes sent out to big girls that anything that is positive will have a good effect on others so I would say yes you are.

Q: Can I quote you on that?

A: Sure. It’s the truth. There are so many women out there who are “of size” that have the want and the need to look and feel sexy. But there are limited resources that help her to do so. Especially in a world where being a size 8 is considered on the healthy side. Well if that’s healthy than at a 30/32 I must be in the best shape of my life! Lol, but that isn’t the case. They are using the term "healthy" to be kind, as they are telling her she needs to pick up the salad fork only at dinner. But if being a size 8 makes you a big girl in the eyes of society than there is no hope for any of us that are over a 9. And that is sad. Just because we aren’t a supermodel or said size 8 doesn’t mean we can’t look and feel beautiful. So, I think that having said this, that any POSITIVE reinforcement that Women of Size can get today must be commended. WE are BEAUTIFUL and we are SEXY and WE ARE DESIRABLE! and the sooner that the rest of the world catches up to what we already know the better off we are going to be .There is no reason that just cause you are no longer a size 8 or hell a 12 that you need to go into a store and your only selections be a pair of barney purple polyester elastic wasted slacks and a matching collared sweatshirt with Kitties on it. BOOOOO!!!!! I AM NOT DEAD! I just have more curves! I think that having positive blogs and instructions from a BBW to other BBW's is a FANTASTIC idea! I mean who wants a "skinny girl" telling her what she needs to wear. Or that her butt looks too big in that skirt. That will get her eaten alive! Positive reinforcement and positive criticism from another woman of size that is comfortable in her skin and does have the knowledge to help the others on their way is definitely what is needed! SO Blog on My BBW Sister! Your Message is the Gospel of the BIG BEAUTIFUL FULL FIGURED WOMAN!!! Preach your word! We need the message!

Any other opinions?

Comments welcome.