All throughout history there has been cases of women who were the reason for their own downfall. I have to believe after today this is also the case in my life. I mean, I find myself trying to be all and everything to so many people but find that it really isn’t getting appreciated. I mean, for my husband’s birthday I went out of my way to plan a surprise party. I worked extra hard to ensure that he had no clue it was happening. On my birthday, what did I get? An argument (yay!!! Me!!!). On my friend Edwin’s birthday I again went out of my way to make him feel special because I know he was having a bad time of it and wanted him to know that I cared. What did I get on my birthday? Not even a card. This is something I don’t understand. It’s not as though I gift to be gifted but it’s like common courtesy to at least acknowledge the fact that I went out of my way for you by at least doing something simple. Today was Mother’s Day and it SUCKED!!! When I say it sucked, I mean it blowed. I don’t mean that in the I-am-Yoli-look-how-dramatic-I-am way, I mean it was the WORST MOTHER’S DAY EVER!!!
It actually began the night before. I had patiently waited for what seemed like an eternity for an opportunity to be freed from the warden (that would be my husband). I was excited… but not so much so that I went completely insane in the outfit department. I had on a sensible pink blouse and pink sandals (that my feet would later regret). But prior to leaving I decided to stop by the neighbor’s house (the Hispanic men my husband socializes with) to say my goodbyes. That is where I was accosted by a round of men telling me that if I wanted to go dancing, why was I married. I asked what one thing had anything to do with the other. They said it wasn’t proper for a wife to enjoy herself outside of the house after being married (are you F’n kidding me?). Then they continue to site how I am not a good mother because I don’t spend enough fun time with my kids. I thought… wow this is where my husband will jump in to defend me… guess what? HE DIDN’T!!! His reply to that was “I’m a good father”. I just about fell out of my chair from disbelieve (it’s one of those moments where you feel like you’re having an out of body experience). I couldn’t believe the nonsense and the nerve of these men. So I just shrugged it off and left. I didn’t enjoy myself at all (big surprise there) and came home to sleep soundly next to the man I wanted to call “traitor”. This morning I was reasonably tired as I had gotten in rather late so I thought, its Mother’s Day, I will be allowed to sleep in, NOPE (not a chance in hell of that happening. I instead was horribly awakened by a freezing cold back massager that my daughters had lovingly placed in the freezer. I then tried to do some exercises prior to dressing and leaving for church. But I needed to go and pick up my mom’s mother day gift that was being held for me. Guess what… in a matter of weeks, the store was closed. Like not even the name was displayed in the location where it sat two weeks before. So I had to tweak my thought process of what I was going to do. As I felt rushed out of the house I was starving. I stopped for a smoothie to try and fill myself up. While walking around the mall I accidentally bumped the smoothie into a wall and had my feet covered in smoothie (that was fun). We covered the mall twice to find nothing and were on our way out of the mall when… Finally I found another store with an alternate gift for my mother and my son’s godmother (as I always forget her, but thankfully my son did not). I finally had cards, gift and everything and was leaving the store. My feet was killing me and somewhere amidst all that commotion my husband had walked himself and the girls to the car. He was “resting” in the car. Is it wrong of me that I was pissed? I mean, it wasn’t father’s day. It was mother’s day and he was doing NOTHING!!! The fun continued when my mother called and asked me where I was. I told her and she commenced to make me feel guilty cause I wasn’t living up to HER Mother’s Day. I mean… this life of mine couldn’t get anymore horrible. I think that it’s so wonderful that Mother’s Day is NEVER about me. The mother with 3 YOUNG kids and the husband who is occasionally like a fourth kid and a job that is ultra demanding and the mother who doesn’t appreciate anything I do. I think to myself, I really, really, really, needed this day to go well. I really needed a day where I was not the only person that EVERYONE was counting on. I needed a day where someone would acknowledge the fact that I work hard all week and workout and try to take care of a family and today was a day that I “should have” been appreciated on. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t slightly, mildly, or remotely appreciated today. If I were the person I was 10 years ago, I think today I would have tried to take my own life. Don’t be so shocked. I mean, we all know I battle with depression. But today was one of those days where I felt like no one in my life understands me. I did find solace in prayer and a talk with the Lord. I think He and I will be talking more often as I realized today that the only person Yoli can count on… is God and herself. If you are a friend of mine and you read this and are worried. Don’t be. I will be fine. I may be a little less talkative or you will find I have nothing to say in regards to your happiness because today I learned a valuable lesson about myself. Today was the beginning of the downfall of me.
It actually began the night before. I had patiently waited for what seemed like an eternity for an opportunity to be freed from the warden (that would be my husband). I was excited… but not so much so that I went completely insane in the outfit department. I had on a sensible pink blouse and pink sandals (that my feet would later regret). But prior to leaving I decided to stop by the neighbor’s house (the Hispanic men my husband socializes with) to say my goodbyes. That is where I was accosted by a round of men telling me that if I wanted to go dancing, why was I married. I asked what one thing had anything to do with the other. They said it wasn’t proper for a wife to enjoy herself outside of the house after being married (are you F’n kidding me?). Then they continue to site how I am not a good mother because I don’t spend enough fun time with my kids. I thought… wow this is where my husband will jump in to defend me… guess what? HE DIDN’T!!! His reply to that was “I’m a good father”. I just about fell out of my chair from disbelieve (it’s one of those moments where you feel like you’re having an out of body experience). I couldn’t believe the nonsense and the nerve of these men. So I just shrugged it off and left. I didn’t enjoy myself at all (big surprise there) and came home to sleep soundly next to the man I wanted to call “traitor”. This morning I was reasonably tired as I had gotten in rather late so I thought, its Mother’s Day, I will be allowed to sleep in, NOPE (not a chance in hell of that happening. I instead was horribly awakened by a freezing cold back massager that my daughters had lovingly placed in the freezer. I then tried to do some exercises prior to dressing and leaving for church. But I needed to go and pick up my mom’s mother day gift that was being held for me. Guess what… in a matter of weeks, the store was closed. Like not even the name was displayed in the location where it sat two weeks before. So I had to tweak my thought process of what I was going to do. As I felt rushed out of the house I was starving. I stopped for a smoothie to try and fill myself up. While walking around the mall I accidentally bumped the smoothie into a wall and had my feet covered in smoothie (that was fun). We covered the mall twice to find nothing and were on our way out of the mall when… Finally I found another store with an alternate gift for my mother and my son’s godmother (as I always forget her, but thankfully my son did not). I finally had cards, gift and everything and was leaving the store. My feet was killing me and somewhere amidst all that commotion my husband had walked himself and the girls to the car. He was “resting” in the car. Is it wrong of me that I was pissed? I mean, it wasn’t father’s day. It was mother’s day and he was doing NOTHING!!! The fun continued when my mother called and asked me where I was. I told her and she commenced to make me feel guilty cause I wasn’t living up to HER Mother’s Day. I mean… this life of mine couldn’t get anymore horrible. I think that it’s so wonderful that Mother’s Day is NEVER about me. The mother with 3 YOUNG kids and the husband who is occasionally like a fourth kid and a job that is ultra demanding and the mother who doesn’t appreciate anything I do. I think to myself, I really, really, really, needed this day to go well. I really needed a day where I was not the only person that EVERYONE was counting on. I needed a day where someone would acknowledge the fact that I work hard all week and workout and try to take care of a family and today was a day that I “should have” been appreciated on. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t slightly, mildly, or remotely appreciated today. If I were the person I was 10 years ago, I think today I would have tried to take my own life. Don’t be so shocked. I mean, we all know I battle with depression. But today was one of those days where I felt like no one in my life understands me. I did find solace in prayer and a talk with the Lord. I think He and I will be talking more often as I realized today that the only person Yoli can count on… is God and herself. If you are a friend of mine and you read this and are worried. Don’t be. I will be fine. I may be a little less talkative or you will find I have nothing to say in regards to your happiness because today I learned a valuable lesson about myself. Today was the beginning of the downfall of me.
3 comments:
Yoli - Wow, those are some powerful words. Today is the beginning of the downfall of me. Let me first qualify by saying that after my text message to you yesterday, I know you and I feel each other's pain in this department. I won't bore you with my "gorey" details and my woes. However, I will say to you this - I have spent YEARS of my life as a daughter, a wife and a mother of 3 (all thankless, by the way) and here is what I have realized to be true.
1) I am in control of me and my recations, responses, justifications, committments, etc. I can make suggestions to others, i.e. - husband, kids, mother, friends, however, I am truly NOT in charge of the them or the outcome of a sitation. My God has helped me understand that and the truth in that has set me free from the emotional and mental prison I used to put myself into. Just think of it this way - It's not about the outcome - NATO!
2) Sometimes, I am like a Director - feeling as though I have to "control" everything. If the players/actors of my play would only just stay put and do and say what they are supposed to, according to my scrip! Don't they know who I am? You know, I used to have this vision, of how lovely every holiday would be and how I really "NEEDED" this to go well. But it never did - and I ended up hurt and sad and depressed. I needed to realize again, it's not about me- and as far as doing for others - I was told a long time ago by a very special friend, that I needed to accept my husband completely how his is, warts and all, or I had to leave him. I could not expect to change him. She also told me that the justified anger I was experiencing would lead to further resentments and anger and more depression and sadness on my part. I was so pissed! You mean, he is the insensitive, lazy, selfish jerk to me, (not that swave, handsome, sexy man I fell in love with) and I have to change? You are kidding, right? I wanted that anger and hurt feeling, I earned it, it WAS justifyable - heck - anyone with 1/2 a pea brain could see how wrong he is and how taken for granted I am... However, after my initial shock wore off, I realized that she was right. Who was I hurting, but me? I was allowing this insane bullshit of other people who I absolutey cannot control, rent out all of this space in my head. To the point where I could not go out and have fun, I could not even be around my husband or mother without wanting to cry or smack them or both! What a way to live! Today, I realize that and while yes, it still gets on my nerves, I have really learned to have ZERO expectations. They will get me into a lot of trouble, no matter what they are. If I expect nothing, I am always plesantly surprised. If I am content with giving and not receiving - essentially being overlooked completely - then I can only be surprised by their an effort on their part and be appreciative. I believe that if I truly cannot accept my family for who and what they are, then distance myself from them. If I can't give without expecting something back on my day, then I don't give. Well, that didn't seem right for me, b/c I, like you, really enjoy giving. That is sort of who and what I am; so why should I let the lack of reciprocation from my family ruin my joy of giving?
3) I really wanted a "Leave it Beaver" life. The perfect holiday season, that perfect gift from DeBeers from my husband - because Diamonds are a GirlsBest Friend and I knew my kids would make me breakfast in bed while singing lovely church hymns to me all morning. Then I would be pampered with massages and sleep............. NOT.............
Who am I kidding? Kids don't understand that! When I finally realized that it wasn't that they didn't want to, they were just incapable, I felt a whole lot better. And you know, instead of me waiting for that perfect gift? I just treat myself to what I want - or I tell him exactly what to get and if he doesn't get, I do! Having my needs met, are really simple, when my I don't let my emotionalism and my heart rule them. It is justified, yet, I choose not to have my life torn apart by my expectations of others. I won't let them disappoint me. And about the whole Mother's Day thing - I used to be tortured by my Mother who I would send gorgeous flowers to with a heartfelt message and her only comment would be "the flowers are nice, but I didn't get a card" and my mother would pout and bitch and moan about a stupid Hallmark card, which would be a pack of disgusting lies anyhow. It would make me crazy! Why wouldn't I just remember to send her the damn card? I don't know why - but I got so caught up in the "WHY" of it all. Why didn't she appreciate my gift? Why couldn't she accept it, say thank you and that be it? You know what my friend said? It's not about the outcome. AAAACKKKKKKKKKKKK! I wanted to smack her, but she was right. So, instead of letting my mother belittle me and instead of fighting with her, which is probably what she wanted, I started saying "I am sorry that you feel that way, Mom". AND THAT WAS IT! She did not know what to say back - it completely difused the argument and it shut her up quickly. I just kept repeating it over and over if she kept going on. I do it with my husband, and my kids (not all the time, let's face it, I am no Saint). However, I have learned that my happiness and my serenity can never be tied to that of others - especially my family. Otherwise, I wont' have any peace or serentiy. EVER!
I definatley have horrible days, yet, I get annoyed - but I don't feel so defeated anymore. I accept that this is what they are capable of right now. I don't like it, but I have the power to change my circumstances if I so choose. And if I don't want to, then I better pray about it and accept it. I don't have to like it, matter of fact, I can almost hate it, but I do accept it. What else can I do? Fighting this uphill battle, just isn't working --- I am so tired....
Today, I know that if I truly want to relax and be pampered, I need to plan a trip to a spa, or beach or mall or where-ever either by myself or with a few close friends. That is when and where I can truly relax and treat myself to a massage, or to a movie or just a day out laughing with friends sipping on an iced tea on a beautiful sunny day. I can plan that and take charge of my plans - and I don't need to rely on my husband or kids or whoever to give me the Mother's Day I know I deserved, damn it! It's hard, and I am not on a soap box, however, I have been in your exact shoes - and I just got so damn tired of being sick and tired. This is NOT the beginning of the end, it's the end of the old way, and the beginning of the new outlook of Yoli. Give it some thought - choose your destiny. Just remember, you can start you day over any time you want!
Who loves you, baby?
THis was an awesome comment. I am not married but I face some battles similar w/people pleasing. My latest in a slave to indecision and folk like my mama who aint little like "not trying to hurt your feelings but your fat" I am loving this because I have the power to choose. I have the power to prepare for my purpose and prepare me for that companion. As I get to know love, change and accept the things in me that I have control of I know the plan for my life will result in happiness. Since that word is so circumstancial. I am working on the peace of Apostle Paul. True "JOY" and staying in Gods word and lettign in marinate in my soul will be the law of nature for me I will attract like minds. Encouragers, true friends...thanks for this blog it has lifted me up!
THis was an awesome comment. I am not married but I face some battles similar w/people pleasing. My latest in a slave to indecision and folk like my mama who aint little like "not trying to hurt your feelings but your fat" I am loving this because I have the power to choose. I have the power to prepare for my purpose and prepare me for that companion. As I get to know love, change and accept the things in me that I have control of I know the plan for my life will result in happiness. Since that word is so circumstancial. I am working on the peace of Apostle Paul. True "JOY" and staying in Gods word and lettign in marinate in my soul will be the law of nature for me I will attract like minds. Encouragers, true friends...thanks for this blog it has lifted me up!
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