Monday, January 03, 2011

Shackles: What Manic Depression is for me...

This morning on my way to work… the song “Shackles” by Mary Mary came on iPod. I am usually a zombie as I drive into work on most Monday mornings anyway so I just let my iPod shuffle. But as it hit a particular part in the song… I started to cry… because… I realized then… this is what I was going through. I was shackled by life and depression and I just needed help freeing myself…

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gon lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore”

It was then that this post came to me. And I realized that when I was unemployed the only thing that kept me going was this blog… so although I will not be as active in the coming days, I will continue to post. I would love to do some Diva Spotlights on others so that you my readers/followers can be represented. Because wouldn’t you like to see someone other than myself here all the dang on time? I know I would!!!

So I realized that from the lack of respect from those on the hater train that maybe many people didn’t know what manic depression is and how it affects people. I mean it is not the same for everyone but I recognize what it is in me. Now 90% of the time I am medicated and am in a phase I like to call the High. My Highs get me through the day, I’m hyper, and I’m bubbly and just generally a blast to be around. I like to make jokes and act goofy and just be ridiculous. When I am in a high, I work very well and don’t take myself so seriously. I like myself when I am in a high.

When I am in a Low… it is usually because of my own doing. It is due to the fact that I have not taken my medication as prescribed and or I have let life’s ups and downs get to me. But if I have not taken my meds for more than 3 days and stress in my life hits harder than normal then we get what I call “EXTREME Low”. I only get those once a year or less. The last time I had a low this bad it was around last October/November. I scared the crap out of my husband. I wouldn’t get out of bed for days, slept all the time, and stopped showering and taking care of myself. Hubby dragged me into the doctor’s office to find a solution. Come to find out, stress at work, not being medicated, and drinking alcohol all had a large part to do with it.

So what is currently affecting me:
  1. I have a high stress job because we build towers for Wifi networks and cellular companies. I am a Project Manager. It is a high stress job and I love it… but I have allowed my forgetfulness and my job to let me forget to stay on my medication.
  2. I had been unmediated for over a week. When I try to play catch-up, it takes a while for the medication to get regulated in my system.
  3. My finances are not 100% in order. As I play catch-up to pay all my bills that were not getting paid while I was unemployed, it is stressful to have to speak with these companies and iron out payment plans.
  4. I’m being stalked. Not the “ooh you’re pretty on your blog” kind of stalker. But the “I am breaking into your house because I know you are home alone” kind of stalker. The kind of stalker that I see lurking and looking into my windows and he waits until he sees my husband’s truck is not out front to get crazier then ever. The last time he decided to “drop-by”, I was home alone with my kids. This man terrifies me. It sucks because he was a friend of the family… and my younger kids have no idea this man is dangerous. My 14 year old knows and is super protective, but my girls remember this guy as an uncle and it just sucks. (Oh and the police sucks because we had a restraining order and instead of arresting him… they keep talking to him and telling him to stay away… yeah… that’s working out really well)
  5. My marriage is turbulent some days because my husband doesn’t understand this stalker nonsense. What he fails to realize is… neither do I…
  6. I suffer from insomnia. It appears to be getting worse and I think that lack of sleep along with other hormonal changes I was experiencing on Thursday made this whole thing come to a head.
  7. I want to be everything to everyone. I hate to see others hurting and I try to do my best to help others feel better. I think with so many friends going through really bad times right now, I took on some of their stress and I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it all at this time.

I know I will probably get hate mail for this, but I am not a 1 dimensional mannequin here to hang clothing on. I am a person, with feelings, a heart and a soul. And there are times when I am not at my best. If I were always fabulous, I would be hated on for thinking I’m all that. I don’t. I am a realist. I know there are days when I get it all right… and then there are days where I get it all wrong.  But what folks need to remember is that just like there are those days you don’t want to be bothered or you are just in a bad mood… others have those same feelings. You just have to be careful how you treat people because you don’t know how they will take what you throw at them.

Now to clarify, was I going to end my blog because of one little hateful comment?   NO!!! It was a hateful comment after an onslaught of bad things happening. If you are carrying bricks on your shoulder, and you tell someone you’ve had enough, but they keep putting bricks on your shoulder… at some point… you will just crumble from the weight of it all.

I found this website that describes my condition best:
                This illness is challenging to treat. Patients and their friends and family must be aware of the risks of neglecting to treat bipolar disorder.

Celebrities who suffer from Manic Depression:
Christina Ricci
Mel Gibson (I think he is the worst case scenario… lol)
Pete Wentz – Fall Out Boy
Anne Heche
Carrie Fisher (from Star Wars)
Axl Rose

Its real and I hope that me putting it out there… will help someone who would normally not get help or someone who is on the verge of ending it all.

~besitos~


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