As a mother it is easy for me to get wrapped up in the fact that I am a mother and to sometimes forget that I was mothered. My mother is dramatic. She sometimes makes it seem as though I am not a good daughter because I am not constantly calling her or in her house. It is not that, it is because as a unemployed (seriously broke) mother to 3 children… I want my kids to remember the times I was around. Not the times we had to eat noodles because we had no other food. Or the days we couldn’t go to the park because I had no gas in my car. I want them to remember the tickle fights. The moments when they did their first multiplication table all by themselves and I was there to witness it. I say this as a lead in to this…
I remember the days you would sit down on my floor and watch Sesame Street with me. I remember the days you let me cry because I was being bullied. I remember how you taught me to stick up for myself. How you would go on my field trips. How you would go to my school and fight for me when no one else believed I was being picked on by my teacher. How you would spank me but then sit down afterward and tell me you beat me because you loved me and wanted me to be better than my mistakes. How you would do everything in your power to get me and my brother what we needed/wanted. How you sat and waited while I tried on dress after dress after dress for prom. How when I told you I was pregnant (and not married) you flipped out and then regained your composure to make sure I saw I doctor immediately. How you would not let me abort my son who I love and would have regretted not bringing into this world. How you helped me when I couldn’t afford to pay my rent as a single mother. How you bought me groceries as “gifts” because I didn’t qualify for food stamps. How you babysat for me when I was overstressed by being a single mother, student, and full time employee. How when the stressors of my life almost killed me and put me in the hospital for a week… you seemed to be constantly by my bedside. How we can laugh about how you found me before said hospital stay now because we made it through. How you still to this day try to stay involved when I am constantly pushing people away.
I know you think I don’t love you. I know you think I don’t care… I need you to know that I love you and you mean the world to me. But I want my children to remember the time with me as I remember the time with you. I want my kids to remember the time I was there for their important moments and events. So even though I am not calling as much as I should, or not visiting as much as you’d like… know that I am using the skills I learned from you as a mother to make my children remember me as fondly as I remember you and I. So on this Mother’s Day when I am the most financially unstable I think I’ve ever been… and my life is one constant storm after another… I am going to show you I love you the only way I can today… by being selfless… you wanted a dress. A dress I told you… that you couldn’t have… but I am posting this post to say… I love you and to also wish this dress a fond farewell. It is yours to have… because nothing I own… NOTHING I have… is more important than you.
I Love You!!
P.S. I know on days like today you miss your mom (my grandma) Carrie Lee… and I want you to know I miss her too. But I see bits of her spirit in my girls each day.
What I WAS Wearing This Mother’s Day:
Necklace: Burlington Coat Factory
Shoes: ebay (seller: feetishheels)
Earrings: Beauty Supply